The Young and the Hopeless: Crimes of Passion
by hatmanthehat
Summary: After a chance visit with the pirate captain Isabella, Lady Cousland starts to suspect that her lover Alistair is not as devoted to her as he seems.
1. Chapter 1: Little Things

AN: omg so i startid playin sum moer biowear gams bcuz mess effect perspired me :D i liekd da wardin becuz she wus smart an resorseful an her romence wit alister was so kawi. Fangs 2 ma gurl gxk 4 diting

It all started at the Pearl...

I, Ravena Cousland, walked hand in hand with the stunningly gorgeous Alistair Theirin. He was a beautiful Grey Warden prince with a sexy, marble gleaming chest, a chiseled jaw covered in manly, strawberry blonde stubble, and a soothing yet chocolate voice. I was also a Grey Warden warrior who was strong yet lithe and had much shapely curves in the right places. It was so depressing and sad because my family died and I would soon die due to my Grey Warden nature, and so would Alistair because he is also a Grey Warden, but we were together now so it was ok. I knew that when the time came we would die gothically in each other's arms, in the Deep Roads, which are where the Grey Wardens go to die, and it would be darkly romantic. But for now, we were going to the Pearl to enjoy ourselves before our inevitable encounter with the evil archdemon.

Alistair was a virgin before he met me, but I had licked a lot of lampposts in the winter, so I totally knew how to sleep good with whores. I knew, even when faced with temptation, Ali would not cheat on me because I am a sex goddess! I just brought him with me to watch me sleep around and maybe to have a super hot threesome or something. We knew that even if I slept with other people, he was still my one true love and we were going to be married and become king and queen of Ferelden and die gothically in each other's arms in the Deep Roads. Just because I slept around a lot didn't mean I wasn't a perfect girlfriend.

So, the Pearl was filled with a lot of whores. We were supposed to go on some mission from a guard dude to do something, but really we were just there for the company. I went up to the Madame lady and was all like, "Excuse me, but we are the future king and queen of Ferelden and we need better whores. These are like Grade C- whores. We need the Grade A+ ones. Where do you keep them?"

The madame was all like, "Well, we only keep the lower class whores out usually for people like Zevran who come here all the time and are totally not loyal to their hot girlfriends. But in the back we have some whores who are reserved for sexy Grey Wardens like yourselves. So, are these whores for both of you or what?"

"God no," I said quickly, while Alistair blushed kawaiily. "He's just here for show. The whores are all for me." Then the madame was all like, "I thought so. It must be so hard to keep the whores away when you have such a hot bod. Anyway, you can come with me."

Alistair and I strutted through the Pearl with the madame. We passed a lot of Grade C- whores, and Alistair stuck his tongue out maturely at them because they weren't good enough for his true love. Then, we passed a chick who was probably a whore because she didn't wear pants, only super high boots. I was going to walk right passed her, but my cute Ali stopped.

"Ummm, Ali-bear, that is clearly not a Grade A+ whore what are you doing?" I asked tsunderishly.

"Excuse me," the Grade C- whore - actually more like a Grade F whore - said preppishly. "I am not a whore. I am a super kawaii pirate queen, and you should lick my boots in respect."

I snapped my fingers in a Z-formation at her, and gasped hotly. Then I was like, "We are the future king and queen of Ferelden! Right, Ali?" Except he was all like staring at her boobs totally inappropriately. I was shocked that my Alistair would stoop to a Grade F whore level.

"I dunno Ravena-babelicious, she seems like a pretty good whore to me," Alistair said purely and softly yet masculine and soothing.

"I'm not a whore!" the whore shouted stupidly. "I'm Isabella, the pirate queen!"

"Well, you're not very pretty!" I told her all truthfully and meanly. "In fact, you're probably a blood mage - that's why Alistair thinks your ugly face is hot, because you bewitched him - and I think you should leave the Pearl right now because I am a Grey Warden and also the future queen of Ferelden!"

Blood mages are like really bad mages that Alistair hates and I do too because I love Alistair. They use blood and stuff to do magic, which is against the circle of magi and also the templars. Also, they're all ugly and witches.

"I'm not even a mage!" the whore blood mage yelled. "Or a whore! I am a rouge, beautiful, sexy pirate queen, dammit!" OMG that bitch Lelianna was a rouge, but I killed her because she tempted my Alibear to cheat. I killed her when we went to the urn of sacred ashes, because she got mad when I peed in it, so I had to kill her because desecrating sacred things is so much fun. Also, so was Zevran a rouge and he is a whore also and dumb - I only keep him around to pick locks and he even sucks at that.

"Umm, Isabella, you are making too much noise, you are annoying the clients and also the beautiful Grey Wardens," said the madame. "You are totally fired from being a whore and you have to leave right now."

"But I'm not even a whore!" yelled Isabella and she flipped her hair and walked angrily out of the Pearl. Alistair stared at her even when she was leaving! That was so unchaste. He should know better because he's a templar and also only I'm allowed to look at whores.

Then, we went to a super special room where only the Grade A+ Grey Warden approved whores were, and I had lots of sex and Alistair watched. We had threesomes too. Also, I was going to have a super hot foursome with Zevran and Lelianna, except I killed them so I couldn't. But it's okay because the other whores were hot.


	2. Chapter 2: Counting the Days

So, we went back to Arl Eamon's estate after our adventure at the Pearl. I was super relaxed and feeling awesome, because we had a great time at the Pearl and also I had already made treaties with the elves and dwarves and stuff, and me and Alistair were going to become king and queen of Ferelden and die romantical gothic in each other's arms in the Deep Roads or maybe fighting the arch demon because we are both sexy Grey Wardens and that's what we do. Life was pretty good.

Except for Ali-bear was kind of distracted and his mind was elsewhere, even when we were talking to his uncle or whatever Arl Eamon is about going to Denerim to take down that super evil Loghain and his evil daughter Nora (she is an evil blood mage you know that is how she seduced Ali's brother, even though he was so pure and templarish like him). It was a pretty important plan but my Ali was not paying attention like he usually did.

So we went to Denerim with Arl Eamon and like a bunch of other people but not Lelianna because she's dead. Before we went, I had sex with Ali in the party camp, and even though he is gorgeous and masculine, he was distracted and distant. I thought it was kind of weird, but since we were about to go kill a bunch of darkspawn and be all heroic and risk our lives, I forgave him.

When we got to Denerim, some elf chick - who was way hotter than that Grade F whore Isabella - came to Arl Eamon's estate. I totally think Ali might have stared at her too, even though he's not allowed to look at whores or hot women! She came right to Arl Eamon and was all crying and was like, "You have to save Nora the queen because evil Loghain has captured her!" I was like, "that's totally not true," but Arl Eamon was all like, "No, I'm psure that's true, you should go save her." I rolled my eyes at him, but Alistair and I went anyway. We had to take other people with us, because we have to always have four people in our buddy groups when we leave the camp, which is a totally stupid rule. I took Zevran to pick locks even though he sucks at being a rouge, and Alibear because I love him, and Sten because he's a qunari and totally not hot, and I was worried that if I took someone with a hot bod like Morrigan - that biotch - Ali would totally look at her unchastely. I was starting to worry that he was going to cheat on me.

We are pretty good fighters because Ali and I are strong, sexy Grey Wardens. Zev and Sten mostly just stood around and pointed their crossbows at stuff. I didn't let Sten have swords anymore because he's scary and also because sometimes he's stronger than me and I don't like it, so I gave him a crossbow even though he sucks at aiming. Well, Zev does too, because he is a whore and totally sucks at everything, but I only bring him around to pick locks so whatever.

So I snuck around wearing some armor that the elf chick gave me, which was totally not flattering, and also I didn't like it because I didn't get to fight. I still got to kill some dwarves on the way in though, sneakishly. I don't like dwarves because they're short and also ugly, and clearly an inferior race, not in a racial way, though. We found Nora right away because I am so smart and sneaky, though Sten almost knocked over a vase once because he is so clumsy and fat - stupid blighter, but he didn't blow our cover so I didn't have to kill him. That was good, because I was running out of people to kill and I probably wouldn't be able to make four person buddy groups if I killed any more.

Nora was all like "fangs for saving me Grey Warden," but I didn't talk to her because she was below me. I made Zev talk to her for me, because he's an elf anyway and they are lower class (AN: dis is totz canon). He was all like, "so come with us we are saving you," and she was like, "Okay I'll come because Alistair is so kawaii like his brother."

Ali-bear blushed, which was pretty kawaii, but I was furious with anger. "HOW DARE YOU TALK TO MY ALI LIKE THAT, YOU NUG HUMPER!" I scrammed angrily. "YOU ARE A BLOOD MAGE AND THAT IS THE ONLY REASON ANYONE WOULD MARRY YOU!"

Nora gasped unhotly. "HOW DID YOU KNOW?" she asked. "PLEASE DON'T TELL ANYONE, THEY'LL SEND ME TO THE CIRCLE OF MAGI!"

I sniffed and flipped my hair sugoiily. "You don't have to worry about that. I annulled those poseurs at the circle - they were all blood mages like you. But don't worry, I am a kind and gracious soon-to-be queen of Ferelden, so if you step down all peaceful-like, I won't tell anyone."

Nora nodded at me, but I got the feeling that she was being insincere and was probably looking at Alistair again. I didn't have enough time to react, tho, because we had to leave this place. I had a feeling that the guards were starting to catch on to our clever disguise. Maybe because I had killed their boss Arl Howe, the nug humper who killed my family except my stupid brother, but no one likes him anyway, brutally in the dungeon.

I walked out into the open place where the doors were (AN I gorfet teh word agin!) while holding Ali-bear's hand. His hands were gruff yet soothing and manly-like. Suddenly this total utter WHORE who worked for Loghain, she was probably his mistress or something, stepped out of the doors with like a hundred soldiers. She was all like "Stop in the name of fatherly love! You are kidnapping our queen and princess of Ferelden! This is against the law of our most honored and respected regent Loghain!"

"RESPECT MY ASS!" I yelled angrily yet befitting of my feminine and lady-like nature. "NORA HERE WAS BEING HELD CAPTIVE BY THAT LOSER HOWE AND NOW WE ARE FREEING HER BECAUSE WE BELIEVE IN THE REAL LAW! THE LAW WHERE ALI AND I ARE THE KING AND QUEEN OF FERELDEN AND DIE GOTHICALLY IN EACH OTHER'S ARMS IN THE DEEP ROADS!"

But to my utter chagrin, Nora stepped forward all ugly-like and not dainty at all and said, "Arrest these fools! They were trying to kidnap me! They are lying! Except Alistair because he is hot and I am attracted to him!" She was totally lying like all blood mages! And she was also ugly like them, so not deserving of Alistair's love.

Speaking of which, Alistair kept on staring at other women and it was sort of freaking me out. I was worried - what if these terrible trollops tempted him from his proper and chaste path as my loving husband and the king of Ferelden?

I couldn't take it no more! I drew out my amazing, darkly glowing, darkly sparkling magical broadsword which I had made especially for me using magical moon ore crafted on the anvil of avoid. I enchanted it myself because I was way more gifted than that stupid dwarf Sandal and I even knew a bit of magic. Also, I killed him and his dumb dad because they were stinking up my party camp.

Anyway, I fought magically and dashingly, striking down all of my enemies. There were hundreds of them, but with my amazing fighting prowess, I held them back, but my other teammates were struck down and lay stupid and helpless, waiting for me to kill everyone.

Alistair fought valiantly beside me until that stupid Loghain whore and Nora flashed him their cleavages! And he got distracted and fell. After he did, I lost all will to fight and just gave in. Everything went dark sparkling black...


	3. Chapter 3: Beautiful Place

**I woke up... TOTALLY NAKED!**

Also, so was Alistair naked and he is a babe also and kawaii. It was weird though, because I totally didn't remember have sexy Grey Warden sex, which is usually what happened when we were naked. In fact, I couldn't remember much of what happened at all... until a preppy face appeared in my mind, then it came back to me. That Loghain whore! She totally almost killed Ali and me, and now we were in a naked prison!

There were like no guards anywhere. This godly voice - actually just a dude in the cell beside me - was like "so do you want to wait for your friends to come get you or are you going to get out of prison yourself?" I looked at Ali-bear, who was still very kawaii, and I was like, "well, I don't have any other friends because all the other people that walk around with us are stupid whores like Zevran and that witch chick." "Yeah," said Alibaby, "no one is as smart and kind hearted and has a wonderful personality as you, babealicious, you can totally get us out of this prison on your own.

I nodded chagrinly. "I'm not going to do anything," said Alistair sexily because he trusted me dearly and knew I was much more capable than him at sneaking around and rougeish things. I mean, we were both warriors, but I was the sexier one.

There was one guard - he was ugly and probably watched me sleep naked because let's face it, I'm pretty sexy and who wouldn't, and he probably had dwarf blood in him which made me hate him more, also only Ali is allowed to stare at my hot bod. I shivered disgustedly, but I knew what I had to do.

Reaching out my feminine, manicured hands through the cold, metal bars of the cell, I beckoned to him. I was going to seduce the gross guard! Alistair glared at him territorially, but he knew i had to do it. After all, I was allowed to look at whores even if Ali wasn't.

"Come over her, you sexy man," I said purrishly, trying to hide my disgust at the gross dwarf-man-whore. He was entranced and he came over to the cell bars. I reached into his pocket and grabbed the keys and also his sword and another sword for Ali. Then he dropped dead because I was so gorgeous.

Ali cheered, and I opened the cell door triumphantly. We stepped over the gross guard's body and walked through the prison. We were totally naked, but it didn't matter because we were such good fighters that we didn't need armor, and also we were both so sexy that it gave us an advantage in battle. We were out of the prison in a flash, and we had killed all of the guards and Loghain's evil soldiers. We put on some clothes before we got to Arl Eamon's estate though, because I didn't want to kill any more people with my sex appeal, and also I was nervous that hot women in the estate like that Morrigan bitch would stare at Ali's hawt sexxalicious bod.

As we were walking to Arl Eamon's estate, I kept on noticing Alistair looking at women, which was not cool. Also, I was thinking about how the Loghain whore and Nora who I didn't know where she was had flashed him their cleavages. I feared that they were going to steal my Ali from me, especially because I hadn't killed them yet. Also, Ali was totally naked in that prison cell! Who knows how many whores he could have slept with before I woke up!

When we got to Arl Eamon's house, Nora was there! She was standing right beside him! She opened her mouth to say something to me and Ali when we walked in, but I knew she would just be using blood magic to seduce Ali and his creepy old uncle! In a flash, my fist was in her mouth and I knocked out all of her front teeth so her smile was all gross and she moved from a Grade C- whore level to a Grade F whore level, like that whore Isabella who had totally seduced my Ali-bear!

Alistair was like, "serves you right, evil blood mage. Also, you're ugly." Arl Eamon was like, "go to your room Nora you are not allowed to seduce people with blood magic while you live under my roof." I smiled all victorious-like at her, and she cried tears of blood before leaving to her room. Because she's a blood mage so she cries blood and it's totally not sexy.

"So I heard there are some elves that are in trouble," Arl Eamon told me. I was like, "ew is it Zevran? Because if it is I am SEEEEEW no helping him. He totally failed and left me and Alistair to get captured! Also, he's a whore and dumb." But Arl Eamon said that it was at some place called the alienage. I had never heard of it, probably because I was a noble and that place was below me because elves lived in it. Then Zev came up to us and was like, "I can show you where it is because I am an elf." I sighed hotly because I totally hate taking Zev everywhere, but I decided I probably had to. As long as Ali was with me, I guess it wouldn't be so bad.

So we left. I took Sten again because he was the only other male in my party beside Zev and Ali, and even that Wynne chick I didn't take, because even though she is old she is surprisingly well endowed and I just can't risk it with Alistair's fragile state. We went to this gross poor area of Denerim and I accidentally stepped in a puddle and had to buy new shoes because it was so gross and muddy. Probably diseased too, because elves stepped in it. From then on, I made Zev carry me over all of the puddle because he is already an elf so it doesn't matter. Sten carried Ali because he is the future king of Ferelden who is going to die gothically in my arms in the Deep Roads, and he can't afford to step in diseased elf puddles. In a totally non-sexy manner of course.

So Zev put me down in front of this Elf whore with red hair. She was pretty attractive actually, like a Grade B whore, because she's an elf and they are all attractive, even Zev sometimes, but he sucks at everything so it doesn't matter. It's ok though, because I am half-elf, which is why I am so kawaii to elves and humans and even gross smelly dwarves, and people drop dead because I'm gorgeous if I want them too.

"What seems to be the problem, nug humper?" I asked all heroically with my beautiful long blonde hair swaying in the wind. "Anything wrong I can totally help you with!"

"Wow, Ravena, you are so helpful and attractive," said Ali. The elf whore nodded. "Yeah, you are soooo sexy even for a human," she said.

"Yeah, it's because I'm a half-elf and I am totally sexy to both elves and humans!" I explained smartly. "Also, me and Alistair are the future king and queen of Ferelden and we're going to dying gothly romantical in each other's arms in the Deep Roads!"

"Wow," said the elf whore. "That is so kawaii. In fact, you are both so kawaii that I totally forgot all of the problems that the elves have been having. How can anyone have problems when there is someone as attractive as you in the world?"

"I know right?" I said sexily. "Well in that case, I'm just going to go back to Arl Eamon's." "OK" said that elf whore.

Zevran carried me out of the alienage and I brushed my hair tsunderishly. We were almost back to Arl Eamon's when he opened his stupid mouth and said words again, which I totally hate.

"So, I think there was like some elves back there that were being sold into slavery," he told me. He probably knew this because elves are lesser creatures that have a hive mind and all of their thoughts are just like soup that each one takes from but only a bit at a time that's why they're so stupid. "Shouldn't we help them?"

I laughed beautifully. "LOL Zev, elves being sold into slavery is totally not a problem. In fact, it's better that way. Now carry me back to Arl Eamon's."


	4. Chapter 4: I Just Wanna Live

"K so, we're gonna have a landsmeet," said Arl Eamon.

"Like, right now?" I asked him. Zevran had just put me down. I made him carry me all through the house because the maids didn't have time to scrub the floor before I got back from the alienage. "I don't think I'm ready to present myself to my future subjects in this state." I was looking fairly kawaii as usual, but I was wearing really big warrior armor that didn't show off my hot bod, and I hadn't reapplied makeup in over two hours, and I stank like elves ew.

"No, we're going to start in a bit," said Arl Eamon. "I think you need to talk to Nora before we start in a bit anyway, and clearly I would never make you go out in public without looking your best."

"OMFG ARE YOU SAYING I LOOK BAD? THAT IS VERY RUDE YOU RUDE SHEM! HOW RACIST AGAINST HALF-ELVES!" I screamed sexily, pouting a little in case I really didn't look good.

"Ravena-babealicious, you look dashin as usual," Ali-bear said hunkishly yet soothing from the corner.

"Aw thank you Alibaby," I said, blowing him a kiss.

"So are you going to go talk to Nora now?" asked Arl Eamon.

"OMFG I HATE THAT BITCH!" I yelled. "WHAT A FLAMING PREP! Seriously though, can't I like send Zev or someone? I don't think I can handle talking to an inferior being like a blood mage at the moment. I need to surround myself by only the most beautiful people in preparation for the landsmeet."

"Ravena, my dark princess, maybe we should do what Arl Eamon asks," Ali suggested from his corner.

I was shocked by his audacity. My face formed a look of horror and chagrin. "Alistair, are you saying what I think you're saying?" I asked. Tears started forming in my clear, sparkling blue eyes. He only wanted to talk to Nora because he liked her curvacious bod. He was going to betray me for that grade C- whore, I just knew it!

Arl Eamon totally made me go talk to Nora, so I strutted sexily down the hallway to visit her and her inappropriate boob window dress. Ali insisted on coming with me, which could only be a bad sign, and I brought Zev too so he could do the talking. Nora gave me a sweet-but-totally-fake smile as I walked in. Ali-bear smiled back, so I kicked him in the shin to knock him out of it before he got seduced by her blood magic. I looked at Nora with a cool stare.

"I have a deal to propose," Nora said preppishly. I didn't say anything, but she kept on talking anyway. I don't know why people always try to talk at me when clearly I don't want to listen. "There are a lot of people who actually like me, you know."

"That's hard to believe," I said softly, and Zevran said it louder to Nora.

"Well, like it or not, it's true, and if you want to have your voice heard in the landsmeet, you're going to need my help." Nora continued.

"No one needs help from a BLOOD MAGE!" I laughed hotly. "Besides, I am so beautiful that I could convince the entire landsmeet to side with me, no matter what you say. Even with your blood magic, you are no match for my sex appeal."

Nora laughed at me, which was totally rude because only I'm allowed to laugh at people. "There's only one way that I'll agree to give you my support at the landsmeet," she said. "Whatever," I said, but she kept talking again she should really stop doing that. "If you let me have the throne, I'll give you my support. You know full well that neither you nor Alistair have any prior experience with ruling, and the people trust me more than a silly Grey Warden."

"Ha ha ha," I said maturely. "You need special royal blood to sit on the throne, like Alistair's, and your blood is gross and brown like poo because you're a blood mage. So joke's on you, you can't be the queen no matter how hard you try."

"There is one way..." said Nora, and she flashed a seductive glance in Ali-bear's direction. Was the blood mage shemlen nug humping F- grade whore trying to make a pass at my soon-to-be husband, future king of Ferelden, who will die tragically and gothically in my arms in the deep roads?

"If I marry Alistair, I could become the queen."

I think the whole world went silent then, or it could be that I was deafened by the bloodlust ringing in my ears. Everything went in slow motion. My mind reeled, and my vision went red, all focusing on my source of hate: that F- whore Nora. I couldn't control myself, my full sexy rage was revealed, and I drew my greatsword and lunged. At the last moment, I stopped myself, remembering that I could totally kill that whore in front of all of Ferelden tomorrow in the landsmeet, which would be way more humiliating and also her blood would get all over her best clothes, instead of just her regular clothes. But I still needed to punish her.

There was another elf in the room, besides Zevran. It was that loser who told me she was locked in the dungeon in the first place, and started the whole mess! In fact, if it weren't for Nora's whore elf slave, Ali wouldn't have dark betrayal thoughts in his mind and he wouldn't have seen Nora's sexxy bod at all! I killed her instead of Nora, spilling her dirty elf blood all over the room, and then I made Zevran carry me out of the room so I didn't touch any of it.

Zev put me down outside the door, which I locked and didn't let anyone touch it until next morning at the landsmeet. Nora could sit there and look at her dead elf slave all night and think about what she'd done in her time-out corner. I was feeling angry and frumpy and almost unsexy - I needed to change that before the landsmeet took place. I needed the people of Ferelden to see me for who I truly am - a kind and gracious queen, whose intellect is only barely eclipsed by her beauty and grace.

There was only one way to prepare. I sent Zev with an order to kill all of the elf children slaves residing in Arl Eamon's estate. Their blood was drained and I used it to bathe. Nothing made me feel stronger than dipping my shimmering, perfect body into a pool of the fresh blood of virgins. Their prematurely ended lives imbued me with verve and power. I invited Ali to bathe with me, but for some reason he declined. It was all the same, I thought. I knew his thoughts were unpure now; he was on his way to betraying me, and this seemed like a sure sign. My last test was only to present him with that grade F whore who started it all, Isabella the Queen of Pirate Whores, and see if there was the same lustful, primal, fiery desire in his bright, youthful, soothing, eye-catching eyes... but that was for another day.

I sunk deeper into the bath, closing my eyes and breathing in the air of victory. My only purpose today was winning that landsmeet, and ensuring my place as Queen of Ferelden. So that Alistair and I could become King and Queen of Ferelden and die romantical gothically in each other's arms.

The time was near at hand.


	5. Chapter 5: Emotionless

AN: Good Charlotte, ty 4 da awsum song titels~ u understand my soul an u ttly unrdrestan ravenas soul 2~

I slowly rose the next morning, after a hot night of sexytime with Alibaby. The morning dawned bright and clear, with a red sunset the color of the blood of innocents. My preparations had been worth while. I felt strong and beautiful, like I could kill legions of darkspawn with a single darkly sparkling glance. Alistair slumbered peacefully beside me, and it almost pained me to wake him. He looked so innocent yet soothing in his sleep, as if he had never done anything to shatter my brittle, cold, metallic heart made of dragonbone, but alas, I knew that once he opened his eyes, I would see the guilty face of a traitor of love. I bet he was having hot sexy dreams about grade F whores and traitorous blood mages. I knew it was only a matter of time before Ali-bear got it on with that Nora chick. Unless I had something to do about it.

I was about to leave him, until I remembered that we had to become King and Queen of Ferelden and die gothical romantic in each other's arms in the Deep Roads. I guess he had to come to the landsmeet if I was going to be the queen. I woke him up, and he smiled to see my dazzling features. Then I got the rest of the not dead elf slaves to braid my long, golden hair, and get me all dressed so I looked particularly gorgeous for the landsmeet.

I stormed up to the castle - sexily and with a strut, of course - just to be stopped at the entrance by none other than that no good, dirty, STD-ridden whore of Loghain. "I can't let you through, Ravena," she announced all pretentious and I shuddered because a name as beautiful as mine did not deserve to pass her gross, pimply lips. I mean, she probably kissed elves with those. And Loghain, of course.

So then I killed her by turning on my magical rays of deadly gorgeousness - it was a kind of dark, gothic magic lost to the ages that only the sexy half-elves knew how to practice. I laughed when I saw her become reduced to a pile of ashes, but no one laughed at me. So I glared at Zev, and he started to laugh, because that's what he's here for. I made him laugh for me a lot, because I laughed at elves a lot, but actually laughing at them was below me.

I pushed open the doors like that scene with Eragon in twin towers (AN: mah fren maed me wath lrod of teh ringz an it wus relly good aslo hes hawt but it wuz sooooo loooooon liek 90 hurs) It was bedazzling and everyone in the room gasped, even Loghain. He had never seen me before, so my beauty shocked him especially, more than Nora who was also already there. I saw in his eyes the wonder of a thousand suns as only a tiny portion of my power was reflected in his pupils. There was a long silence, except that Wynne tripped because she's old, but then it was totally silent.

"Who are you?" asked Loghain all stupid.

"That's that prep Ravena I was telling you about," Nora said, rolling her eyes and looking lustily at Alistair.

I stuck my tongue out at her. "I'm not a prep, you are," I said maturely. Then, I struck a super sexy pose, and didn't stand like a man. I batted my eyelashes and spoke in a tsunderish purr.

"I am Ravena Cousland, the Grey Warden and future Queen of Ferelden!" I announced. A few of the guards fainted because I was so beautiful. Loghain's gross, pale old man complexion started turning pink. Ugh, sometimes this attractiveness was a curse - even the ugliest guys loved me when I was obviously in eternal goffic love with Alistair.

"Marry me," Loghain stuttered trying to be kawaii. "We can rule this land together, me as the regent, and you as my gorgeous concubine queen."

"Wait a minute..." I said. "DID YOU JUST CALL ME A WHORE, YOU WHORE?"

"No - my d'ark princess, goffic angel, royal beauty, I would never -"

"OFF WITH HIS HEAD!" I bellowed, and Zevran cut off Loghain's head for me. His blood sprayed all over Nora's nice dress and all over the room because royal douches are full of blood.

I gasped. "ALI-BEAR!" I exclaimed. He was standing right beside me, filing his nails.

"What my sweet dark sparkle beloved and soon to be queen who I will die romantical gothically in the Deep Roads with?" he asked casually.

"Loghain just told me to marry him!" I pouted sexily. "AND YOU DIDN'T DO ANYTHING! I HAD TO GET THAT GROSS STUPID WHORE ELF ZEV TO CUT OFF HIS HEAD INSTEAD! No offense, Zev, but you are an elf."

"I thought he had it covered!" Ali protested. "Besides, I didn't want to mess up my hair!"

"OMG this is so not about looking sexy," I said sexily. "You look sexy all the time. This is about you betraying me for that whore Nora! That's why you didn't come to the defense of your damsel in distress!"

"Honey, I know you can handle yourself. How many times do I have to tell you that gender roles are so passe?"

I stomped my foot in frustration. "That is SO unromantic," I whined. "Totally not how my future king of Ferelden who with die gothically romantic in my arms in the Deep Roads should act."

Just then, I was thrown violently and dramatically against a wall! I looked up to see that whore Nora all blood magey and covered in blood and mad with her dad's blood. Her eyes were full of fire and lustful hated, and she looked totally like a demon and also ugly! I was about to go kill her with my sexy, but then I looked at Ali, who was still filing his nails.

"Oh, fine," he said, rolling his eyes. He picked up his sword and started fighting Nora, and he was so kawaii when he fought because he got all manly and strong, that I just had to go fight with him.

The fight was like really actiony, and I'm pretty sure the audience gave it five stars. There was a lot of yelling from the sidelines, and I think Zev took some bets. I was having a good time beating up Nora before she inevitable died, because it was really ruining her makeup and hair do, and her dress was beyond saving. Also, I liked watching Ali fight her, because it meant that he didn't want to have sex with her, hopefully. I figured that if I weakened her so she couldn't use her blood magic, I could make Ali kill her without having to risk her seducing him.

"Um, Ravena, it's like almost sundown and we want to go drinking before we have to fight darkspawn tomorrow," said Arl Eamon from the sidelines, and I could hear him over the crowd because half-elves have really good hearing. I sighed because I was having fun, but I punched Nora one last time and used the physical contact to take away her blood magic and bring the power into myself - you never know when it could come in handy. Besides, sexy mage and blood mage was pretty much the most powerful combination in Ferelden.

Nora was shocked, and she fell down in the corner, bloody but powerless without her blood magic. "I can't believe you beat me!" she screamed unhotly.

"Yeah, well, I can't believe you didn't see it coming," I said. "You're the real blight on this realm, Nora, and I've come to kill you. Actually, Ali-bear has."

"I have?" asked Ali. I couldn't believe that he hesitated! I had hoped that he would prove his worth by fighting the whore, but apparently he was just as traitorous as I had always thought.

"Um, yeah," I said pointedly and frustratedly but still beautifully. "So kill her."

So Ali stabbed her, and she screamed quite dramatically and the crowd gave her an A+, even though she was clearly only grade F whore level.

"My name's... Anora..." she sputtered as she died.

I laughed at her death, and then ordered some elf slaves to bury her so I could dance on her grave after I went out drinking and probably back to the brothel to sleep good with whores. Arl Eamon came over to Ali and me and named us King and Queen of Ferelden, except he said it to me first because I clearly wore the pants in the relationship. I was so happy because now all we had to do was die gothically romantical in each other's arms in the Deep Roads, and then Ali and me made out sexily in front of everyone and then we drank a bunch of wine and slept with whores.


	6. Chapter 6: Keep Your Hands Off My Girl

AN: omg fangz 2 da niec commetters who told me 2 kep riting! i get alot of h8 and its gud 2 c dat dere r sum peple out dere who arnt GRAMMER POLISEE! or mean abot my sotry teling ability :D ur da bets! aslo, shut ur moths h8ers u wish u cud rite as gud as me :P

So when Ali and I woke up after our hot night with all of the whores, we were somehow in Arl Eamon's real house, which apparently is not in Denerim. That was pretty stupid because it meant we had to walk the whole way back to fight the archdemon, but Arl Eamon didn't appreciate when I pointed it out to him. He said it was Wynne's idea to come anyway, I wasn't surprised because she's old and probably senile.

Anyway, we probably did some shit that day, but I can't really remember what it was, because it's clearly not a central part of the storyline. In a flash, it was night again, and everyone was standing around waiting for me to talk to them. For some reason, everyone I know does that all the time. They never talk to each other. Probably because my voice is so beautiful that listening to anyone else is just a burden.

So I went to Zev to spit on him, and I punched Sten, and then Wynne yelled insanely at me something about me making bad decisions, but she's insane, so I ignored her. Then I made out with Ali and talked about how we were the King and Queen of Ferelden and will die goth romance in each other's arms in the Deep Roads, and then I only had one more person to talk to, Morrigan that whore who I forgot to kill. She's my only rival in hotness, except not really because I'm a half-elf so we're on like a whole different level of sexy. But I had to talk to her because she's a member of my party and all they do all day is wait around for me to talk to them.

Morrigan was being all angsty and goffic in a room with a huge bed and mood lighting that was making me suspicious. I sighed and flipped my beauteous hair as I walked toward her.

"So prep, wassup?" I said sexily with a strut.

"Um, Ravena, that is like totally killing my mood. You have to be dark and brooding if you want to talk to me." said Morrigan.

"Ok," I said. "Blood is in the air tonight, how does the dark wind blow, mysterious vagabond?"

"Oh, my d'ark Queen, there are evil tidings in the evening mists," Morrigan said ominously. She placed a hand dramatically on her forehead. "Surely you know that tragedy that must befall you and your love, before this bloody affair can be over?"

"Wise witch, I know not of these grievous tidings," I said melodramatically. "Yield to me the sparkling fountains of your great knowledge."

"Sparkling? Really?"

"It's like my signature adjective, prep."

Morrigan glanced out the window as lightning struck the topmost tower of Red Like Blood Cliff castle. "Someone must tell you, fair maiden, that your happiness will be short lived," she continued vaguely, still staring out the window in deep thought. "I fear that your love will not last!"

"OMG ARE YOU PLANNING ON STEALING ALIBABY FROM ME, YOU FILTHY WHORE -"

"I SPEAK OF DEATH!" Morrigan yelled. I was still mad at her, but I had to stay silent in order to keep with the mood. "The terrible blight - the Archdemon - shall never be slain by the hands of an ordinary mortal. Upon killing the foul beast, a Grey Warden must die!"

"No!" I shrieked hotly, covering my mouth with a perfectly manicured hand. "Ali-bear and I must never be separated! True love will conquer all!"

"Before sundown tomorrow, this land will see more bloodshed than it has ever seen before! If doom is to be avoided, a steep price must be paid!" Morrigan was really getting into it now. I even think her shadow started to move of its own accord.

"What a sec, isn't there some ugly Grey Warden living here right now? Why can't he die instead?" I asked.

"Do you seriously think he's going to live to face the archdemon? Like, how anticlimactic would that be?"

I nodded thoughtfully, but just then, Alistair burst into the room.

"Babealicious!" he exclaimed happily yet soothing, like a puppy. "I didn't think you'd be in Morrigan's room."

"You... know... where... Morrigan... sleeps... in a... giant... sexy... bed... with... MOOD LIGHTING?" I screamed at him.

"It's not mood lighting, I'm just allergic to brightness!" Morrigan protested.

"She made Zevran carry her up here this morning, everyone saw it, babe," Alistair told me kawaiily. "Don't worry so much, ok?" He brushed a stray bit of hair tenderly off of my cheek. I slapped his hand away because I was angry with him.

"So do you want to die tomorrow or not?" Morrigan asked exasperatedly. Another flash of lightning hit the tower, but Morrigan just closed the window grumpily because Ali-bear had messed up her timing.

"Um, no, we have to die gothically romantical in each other's arms in the Deep Roads," I said.

"Well the only way both of you can live is if you make Alistair sleep with me," Morrigan said.

"Um, ok," said Ali. "As long as it's to protect my precious Ravena-sama."

WHAT? My mind exploded with rage and the fire of a thousand suns burned in my heart with anger and malice and utter chagrin. How could Alibaby do this to me? For the first time in my life, I felt at a loss for words. My usually pleasantly rosy complexion grew pale, and I felt like throwing myself on the floor and weeping tears of half-elven blood. Why could I not see the signs? It had all start at the Pearl, with that stupid Grade F whore Isabella. If only I had seen it then, maybe I could have avoided Alistair's sudden and inevitable betrayal!

"... Can't... Can't Zevran do it instead?" I asked weakly, my voice thin but as smooth as pure water.

"Lol no," said Morrigan. "He's not a Grey Warden, so he's totally not demon-daddy material. Besides, elves are gross and he's not nearly as kawaii as that babe."

"It's true, I am pretty kawaii," Alistair agreed.

"You're going to have babies?" I questioned softly, a single limpid tear rolling down my perfect, glass-like cheek.

"Only like one baby," Ali-bear pointed out. "And it'll be a demon and ugly, so it won't really count. You and I will have dozens of gorgeous little princess and prince babies that will frolick over the fields of Ferelden and have dimpled smiles and beautiful golden hair like you -"

"Stop," I said. "JUST STOP."

And then, the world exploded.

I was filled with a righteous anger, so passionate and intense that it filled my entire being with darkly sparkling light. I was full of power, right to the tips of my fingers and toes, a power that none had possessed since the beginnings of time. I know what I was feeling... it was the power of love, pure unadulterated love, pouring right out of the tear Alistair had made in my heart. It consumed the room, filling it with swirling magical mists until everything was black. For a few moments, I was everywhere, and I was nowhere. I couldn't feel my body, or my treacherous broken heart. Then, in a flash, the room came back. The window, the bed, the fireplace and mood lighting, Alistair looking slightly tousled but no more than usual... but she was gone.

"Where's Morrigan?" I asked.

"Who?" asked Alistair, looking around with and adorable look of confusion on his face. "I just came up here to be with you, Ravena." He smiled awkwardly at me.

I looked back at him, a grin spreading on to my face. It had worked. Morrigan was right, the power of love did conquer all. I walked sexily toward Alibaby, and wrapped my arms around his neck.

"I came up here to be with you, too, my King," I said sensually.

We made sweet love, but all the while I was thinking of my plan. It was clear that Ali-bear had to go. Even though that whore Morrigan had been erased from the world, I could still feel the pain in my heart. I would never be able to look at Alistair the same way. But maybe, if everything fell together tomorrow, I wouldn't have to look at him ever again...


	7. Chapter 7: Bloody Valentine

My gorgeous armor which was really just Morrigan's old clothes that looked way sexxier on me, glinted in the sunlight. Ali was like "Why don't you wear armor like me so you don't get stabbed?" And I was like "Lol Ali this protects me more because it means I can stun everyone with my hot bod and magely powers of sexy." He was like "Your clothes sort of remind me of something" and I was like "Of course they don't silly, let's go fight darkspawn."

So then I had to like give a speech to all of the soldiers that came to Arl Eamon's castle, which was like so boring and stupid. But I couldn't make Ali give the speech because he was stupider than me but hot so it's ok, or Zev because he's an elf and everyone hates him. I said some words and stuff, and flashed my cleavages so then everyone wanted to fight for me because I was so hot, and also the Queen of Ferelden.

We ran across all of Ferelden in like two seconds and a montage cutscene, and in a flash, we were at the gates of Denerim! Then the old Grey Warden talked to me, and I sort of listened but I crossed my arms and rolled my eyes whilst chewing gum so he knew that I didn't like listening to his stupid plans.

"So we should guard the doors and stuff. Ravena, you can only take three people inside the gates with you because everyone else has to stay outside because it's dangerous," he said.

"Duh, I know that," I told him. "We ALWAYS have buddy groups of four people whenever we do anything."

"Choose three companions, and the rest will stay. I'll go fight the archdemon myself. You have to go kill some other dudes because the end game needs to be difficult and take a lot of time."

"K so I'll take Ali, obvs, because we are in true d'ark luv," I said. "And I guess I'll take Sten and Zev because I take them everywhere and also in case there are elves I'll need Zev to carry me."

Wynne was the only other person left that I hadn't killed, and she didn't even care that she didn't get to go on the special trip inside Denerim because she's old and it would be too dangerous. So instead she started fighting some darkspawn outside the gates with her elderly magic, but it wasn't very strong so a darkspawn stabbed her in like two seconds. She died in a huge puddle of brown blood like poo. Luckily I brought a bunch of other warriors from Arl Eamon's castle, so it didn't really matter that she died. Then I went into the city with Ali and Zev and Sten.

So first we went to some part of Denerim to fight darkspawn. Apparently there was some super evil darkspawn general around here, but I killed pretty much all of the darkspawn with a single slash of my gleaming dragonbone sword, so I didn't notice one being particularly defiant. Blood flowed freely in the streets and I drank some because I am a Grey Warden so drinking blood makes me stronger.

Then we went to the elven alienage again. I was so mad that we had to go there! I hated elves so much that even darkspawn infesting the area was better than dirty elves peeing in the streets. I didn't drink any of the blood because it was probably infected with elf pee. I made Zev carry me through the whole area so Sten and Ali had to fight all of the darkspawn. They did pretty well but occasionally I had to flash a sexy grin and kill some darkspawn with my beauty so that Sten and Ali didn't die. I mean, I didn't care if Sten died, but Ali I needed for my special plan.

There was a lot of killing and it was boring because no one was watching me and giving me good ratings. Halfway through the darkspawn battle I just made Zev carry me because my feet hurt from the high heels I was wearing, and I killed anyone in my path with rays of sexy goodness. Then in a flash, we were facing the archdemon!

"So that Grey Warden died, btw," said Ali casually as we approached the roof. I made Zev put me down because I had to look intimidating yet beautiful when I faced the archdemon.

"You mean that old gross one?" I asked. "How do you know?"

"I saw his body fall from the sky like two seconds ago," Ali told me. I didn't remember seeing any bodies, but I was not surprised because if that old Grey Warden had killed the archdemon, I wouldn't be the Hero of Ferelden, and obvs that would make the story so boring. So I knew he was dead a long time ago.

They archdemon had some cool lightning magic but it was no match for my great magical and warrior and Grey Warden powers. The whole battle was over in seconds, and in a flash, I was standing in front of the Archdemon, who was actually a dragon, and his face was right in front of mine.

"I demand that you surrender!" I said, and I thought it sounded pretty intimidating and also proper.

The archdemon didn't say anything, only it opened its mouth to incinerate me with a burning flame. Ali-bear who was standing around looking at his reflection in his shield, looked over and his eyes widened. Quicker than I had ever seen him move, he ran toward me, trying to get between me and the Archdemon. He was going to sacrifice himself, that idiot!

"No, Ali, don't be a stupid whore!" I yelled, but he was already in front of me, which totally ruined my plans because he couldn't die unless I wanted him too. So I used my telepathy magic to grab Sten, and I pulled him into the path of the Archdemon's fire. I watched his body slowly melt into nothing, and the last bits blew away as ashes in the breeze. But Ali and I were both ok, so it was fine.

"What was that for?" I asked the archdemon hotly. "You could have killed me and Ali-bear!"

"That's my job," said the archdemon. "I'm supposed to kill Grey Wardens."

"Even super sexy Grey Wardens like me and Ali?" I asked.

"It's true, you are by far the most beautiful Grey Warden I have ever seen," said the Archdemon. "And I've killed lots of you."

I strutted in front of the archdemon and struck a super sexy pose. "Archy, I want to make a deal with you," I said.

"What are you doing?" Ali hemorrhaged beside me. "You can't make deals with archdemons! THEY'RE EVIL!" OMG why was he talking all of a sudden? Usually when I talked to other people he just gelled his hair or something.

"Not as evil as BLOOD MAGE WHORES!" I screamed sexily, crystalline tears falling down my face. "Especially sexy blood mage whores who my future husband and King of Ferelden CHEATS ON ME WITH!"

"I never cheated on you!" Ali cried. "I love you forever, my d'ark angel, Ravena-babealicious-sama!"

"LIAR!" I screamed. "DON'T TALK TO ME!"

"Yeah, don't talk to her! You are clearly evil if you are making this sexy half-elf cry!" the archdemon said. I nodded in agreement, and Ali-bear fell to his knees.

"But... we're supposed to die gothically romantic in each other's arms in the Deep Roads... and become King and Queen of Ferelden... and have beautiful golden haired children that frolick in the streets of Denerim..."

"THAT WAS BEFORE YOU WERE GOING TO SLEEP WITH THAT WHORE MORRIGAN!" I yelled.

"I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHO YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT!" Ali screamed. I glared at him, shooting a tiny portion of my epic powers through my eyes, and he screamed again but this time in pure agony. I laughed at his pain.

"So, about that deal..." the archdemon said while Alistair writhed on the ground.

"I want all of your power," I said sensually. "I will trade you this Grey Warden if you give me the ultimate powers of an archdemon!" I cackled menacingly and blood rain poured from the sky, drenching my body in the sweet smell of victory.

"Anything for you, Babealicious," said the archdemon. "I will gladly eat this Grey Warden if he's bothering you, and grant you all of my awesome power."

I looked at my Alibaby one last time. He felt only a small portion of the broken heart that I could feel, a pain inflicted on me by his obvious betrayal and ingratitude. I glared at his broken, agonized body and then looked back at the archdemon. "Kill him," I said.

Alistair and his depressing wails were gone in an instant. At the same time, a flash of lightning hit me and I was imbued with the power of the archdemon. I didn't feel much different, but I was already so powerful on my own that the archdemon's power wasn't much more. I looked around, and saw that the archdemon had changed from a dragon into a sexy, golden-haired man who was almost as hot as me but not.

"Archdemon?" I asked.

"Ravena-babealicious," he said. "You look even more gorgeous now that you have all of my powers. Now, I have one more request for you."

"Yes?"

"Will you sleep with me?"

"Um... OK," I said, and we had sex on top of the roof of the castle in the middle of Denerim, while the blood rain poured down on everything, cleansing the world of the stain that was Alistair Theirin, now gone forever. Then Zevran joined in and we had a super hot threesome.


	8. Chapter 8: Chronicles of Life and Death

Chapter 8: The Chronicles of Life and Death

AN: dis is my final khapitah unles I ged 5 moar revows. Ravenas sorty is so kawi but it ends hear :'C i cri

So I, Ravena Cousland, the beauteous queen of Ferelden and ultimate wielder of all power, awoke in a pool of b'lood from the most wonderful and sensual night of my life. I was next to the hot sexxy archdemon who was super goffic with his wavy beach blonde hair and black eyeliner and bright red like blood lipstick. Zev was also there, but for once it was ok because even his gross elfness couldn't ruin my happiness.

"Was it as good for you as it was for me?" The sexy beautiful manly archdemon asked, his voice wispy, in a drunken haze of happiness and afterglow.

"Eh," I replied. He used to be an ugly dragon so I doubt he got much booty. "Hey, since I'm the glorious, dark sparkly, all powerful, wise and kind queen of Ferelden now, would you like to be my hot, goffic, sexy king? We could become king and queen of Ferelden and die gothical romantic in each other's arms in the Deep Roads!"

"Um, of course, who wouldn't want to be eternally bound in everlasting uncheating loyalty to you, my d'ark queen?"

"Ok," I said. "We should go to Denerim then. I think Arl Eamon is still drunk and probably sleeping with whores. Zev, I guess you can come too."

Then we went to Denerim. I made Zev carry me and the archdemon because we were too special to walk all the way from the top of the castle to wherever we had the landsmeet. I guess we were already in Denerim, but it was still too far to walk. Except for Zev because he's an elf and will do anything I tell him to. That's why he's the only one left alive, not like those whores Morrigan and Lelianna the rouge and Wynne who was old and senile and Sten who was stupid and Ali who I hate eternally with a black goffic anger of a thousand suns.

We had a beautifully goffic coronation ceremony. I sat on a velvet throne and my beautiful archdemon husband sat beside me. All of my bridesmaids and groomsmen were darkspawn and the undead, and my maid of honor was a desire demon who was my half sister but not nearly as sexy as me because even desire demons can't match the sexiness of half elves. She is even attracted to me which is gross because she's my half sister on my demon side but it just proves how hot my half elven bod is.

I made Zev my footstool during the long speech that Arl Eamon gave after I got married and became queen because it was relaly boring and high heels hurt my feet, but I still need to be fashionable. After the speech was over, everyone went to the whorehouse to sleep good with whores and drink and stuff.

I was holding hands with my kawaii husband who had purer thoughts than a Templar and had never once thought of cheating on me because I am the most sexy creature on the planet and in all of Ferelden when I saw her. I knew immediately by her lack of pants that it was Isabella, Queen of Pirate Whores. She was still working at the brothel even though the matron lady had fired her for being bad grade F- whore! Not only was she ugly and stupid, but she was totally going against the worker's code of conduct, even whores had unions.

"Ugh, it's you again," I said as I approached her, spitting on her super tall shiny boots. "I can't believe you came back here. I thought I told you to never show your ugly face in my presence ever again. And now this crime is even more terrible because I'm the queen now and have godlike powers."

"I do what I want," said Isabella, snapping her fingers in a Z-formation. "Besides, I'm not a whore, so I can sleep good with whores whenever I want."

Suddenly, I had a perfect plan. I quickly paused to go dig a hole in the ground and do some blood magic necromancy to raise Ali-bear from the dead. His undead corpse had frozen tears of agony falling down his cheeks. I laughed at him, and then put all of the dirt back in the hole so I could pee on his grave. Then I made him come into the brothel with me, and I pointed out my babealicious husband who had replaced him except like ten times better, the archdemon. He would have cried more, but he's a corpse, so he couldn't, which made me laugh at him more.

"Isabella, I demand you sleep with me, right here, right now," I said commandeerishly. "You're a whore, so you do that, except for free because I'm the queen of Ferelden."

"I'm not a-" she began, but then she stopped. "You know what, whatever. You are pretty much a sex goddess and I would pay to sleep with you."

"ARE YOU CALLING ME A WHORE, YOU WHORE?" I yelled in disgust, but whatever, because I had to have my revenge on Alistair, who was still crying undeadly in the corner. So Isabella and me had the best sex ever in the middle of the brothel and everyone stopped having sex to watch because we were so damn hot, but mostly me. The archdemon cried tears of joy because the moment was so beautiful. Then Alistair's undead corpse exploded in eternal sadness and misery that lasts through all the ages.

After the night at the brothel, I became queen of Ferelden forever because the archdemon gave me his powers of immortality. So I never had to die in the deep roads, which was good because dwarves are gross. I used my powers to make the archdemon my eternal husband and I also gave Zevran immortality because I always needed and elf slave. I was a perfect ruler of Ferelden and the blight never came back because the archdemon was so happy to be with me. I slept with like everyone in the country who was at least and A+ whore, because I was immortal so I could do that. I slept with like Anders and Cullen and Fenris, Knight Commander Gregor and Meredith, First Enchanter Irving, Keeper Zathrian and Marathari, Harrowment and Baelin at the same time, Oghren and Branka and especially the archdemon and a bunch of asars. My love surpassed even time and space and everything was beautiful and the world was perfect. Dark sparkles.

THE END


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